How to confidently navigate the excitement, joy & testing that follow treatment.
Parent Letters
“My reactivity and my husband's anger were as much true impediments to family peace as was our son's drug use.”Exactly two weeks ago, our coach from Homeward Bound entered our home and lives for the first time. Our educational consultant recommended HB as a last attempt to keep our family together before we succumbed to the anger and pain our family was experiencing because of our oppositional, drug-dependent 16 year old son. My husband and I were sure he was the problem, and that if he didn't "shape up" he'd have to go. We were tortured with that decision, however, and were desperate to avoid it. (We had already gone through years of psychologists, psychiatrists, courtrooms, and tears).
I cannot over-exaggerate the impact of this home visit. We had spoken on the phone a few times the week before the coach's arrival, and we knew he was getting a good picture of the challenges we were facing, but he entered our lives at exactly the right time and place. Over the next three days he helped us identify and understand our part in the family equation. My husband and I learned how our parenting styles--as well intentioned as they were--were perpetuating the ongoing, explosive battles we were having with our son. My reactivity and my husband's anger were as much true impediments to family peace as was our son's drug use. We discovered what now seems intuitive and obvious: we cannot "control" our children in the traditional sense of the word but we can control how we react to them, how we parent them, how we express our love and concern for them. We needed to do a better job.
During the coach's visit, we studied and absorbed HB's "parenting principles" to develop a plan for our family. We articulated our family values, and listed the expectations and consequences all three of our children would be held to. We committed to implementing our new plan consistently, calmly, and patiently. Our son was part of the process, but it would have happened with or without his active participation. Our transformation was a change of heart in dealing with each other. This "heart at peace," as it was described, is a driving force in the new directions our family is headed.
When our coach left, I cried. I was afraid that we wouldn't be able to do it on our own. I was afraid that all the despair and hopelessness we had experienced would come right back. It hasn't. I keep studying the materials he left with us, and I keep hearing his sound, compassionate voice reassuring me that we are on the right track, that sustained change takes time, that we DO have the tools to handle whatever comes up. My husband and I are much more of a team now. When our son challenges us -- which he continues to do -- we are much better at parenting with a clear plan and purpose. We have more of a script to work with, and it's becoming more natural all the time. Meanwhile, our coach is available if we need him, and continues to work with us by telephone in extensive weekly sessions.
I am profoundly grateful for the work our Homeward Bound coach has done for our family. Problems still exist, to be sure, but we have a vision and the confidence to move forward. We are hopeful, for the first time in a long time, that our relationship with our children will endure the difficult adolescent years and continue into adulthood.
Jennifer, Colorado
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Dear Parents,
Our son was hurting himself and others through bad choices he was making. He went from one private school to the next, and even home school, then to several wilderness programs, only to return home and go back to the same patterns as before. Just when we thought there was nothing else to do, except leave him to his own devices, which was a scary thought, (but believe me, I thought it), the last treatment center recommended an in home therapy service for the whole family called, Homeward Bound. I was skeptical at first when my husband said he was going to call them and set up an appointment. My skepticism was due mostly to the fact that I felt I had exhausted my resources, (read and reread books, gone to many counselors, with my son and by myself, etc.) and thought, there was not much more I could do. I was believing, however, and still do that God has a plan and it is not to harm us, but to prosper us.
My husband set up the initial appointment. Our Homeward Bound coach arrived and each family member was introduced. He was very professional but not uninviting or stiff. We all warmed up to him very quickly, even our oldest son, who had been very leery about someone trying to "fix" him, yet again. It was different this time. We all participated in the process of learning how our family unit functioned and what was working and what was not working.
Our coach listened to us and gave us solid, concrete ideas to better communicate with each other in the family. It helped relieve the pressure of the volatile atmosphere in our home. We had "solution talks", that he facilitated and we are still putting into practice. He also helped us set up a family rules and consequences plan, so that when a conflict did arise, we would not revert to old patterns of hyper-focusing on the problem, but have a plan already established that was clear, concrete and consistent.
My husband and I have a weekly conference call with our Homeward Bound coach, as he continues to educate and support of our family value system. I have to say that these weekly calls not only help me see things more objectively as a parent but it continues to grow me as a wife and individual. He helped us when we have encountered a situation that we didn't quite know how to handle. When we call him, (outside our weekly calls), he is readily available. He has tremendous patience and a calming demeanor. I feel so encouraged with his clear and consistent advice. His coaching is not rigid or judgmental, but the antithesis. He is personable, and truly supportive, with high integrity and a humble spirit. He has become a family friend and long after our program with him has ended, we will remain truly thankful for his input into the lives of each family member.
Lastly, my husband and I believe, that if we had known about Homeward Bound before sending our son away to wilderness programs, we think we may never have sent him away, but had greater results by utilizing this wonderful program for the entire family. I highly recommend calling Homeward Bound before taking another course of action.
Trisha Craft, Georgia
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To my friends in transition –
And I say friends, because all of us who experience the life altering challenge of raising a teen in crisis have an instant and significant bond. It goes without saying that this is a tumultuous time in the life of your family, filled with anxiety, uncertainty and fear of the unknown. The next several months as you transition your child back home are absolutely critical and I know for my wife Tish and I, we were dedicated to doing everything we could possibly do to "get it right." We were fortunate and blessed to hear of Homeward Bound through our son's therapeutic boarding school and even more blessed to have the financial capacity to engage their services. I sincerely believe that because of their assistance and resources, the transition home thus far for my 16 year old son has been not only bearable but a very positive experience for all of us. He has been home for just over 4 months and all things considered, he is doing quite well. That's not at all to say there haven't been some bumps in the road, because there have been, but with the loving support and guidance of our transition coach, we have been able to keep our family "on track".
Our coach has offered incredibly valuable insight on a consistent basis for whatever the "issue of the day" may be. He is a great advocate for our son and helps us see things from our son's perspective. He was there to calm us down and reassure us when there were missteps. There are real issues with PTS as your child comes home and he was there to help us work through those feelings. I still remember him saying, "It's not what the bump in the road is, the important thing is how you and your son handle that bump and can we all get back on track." Tish and I have witnessed our family reconnecting in such positive ways over the past several months and our ability to communicate with our son and each other is so much better than it has ever been. I know that I have Homeward Bound and their "family platform" to thank for a lot of our growth. Tish and I have moved from a place of heavy reliance on our coach's opinion on how something should be handled, to a place where we feel confident about our own thoughts and our coach simply offers us feedback which is now at the point of, "…nice job, that's pretty much the way I would handle it." This has been extremely reassuring for us.
Homeward Bound has been worth every dime…so much in fact that we have renewed our agreement under the Legacy Parent Program for the last two months after our initial contract expired. My son is not an easy "nut to crack" on any level and our coach has managed to establish an effective relationship with him.
In closing, I would add that the home visit was enjoyable, very productive and enlightening. The Home Team meeting was the highlight and remains to this day one of the most AMAZING MOMENTS my precious family has ever had…especially for my son.
Sincerely,
John & Tish Inman
Atlanta , GA
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Dear Tim,
She just left the house, only moments ago – it was urgent to me that I share my gratitude for her high talent.
Our Transition Coach was the perfect match for our family. Her skill and mastery of this process and work is apparent in every word, action and effort.
Many commented to me about how impressed they have been with her. Of course Grace and me highest and most important amongst them – we share this high regard.
Grace and I have done our work – we have "game" in this process. What impressed me most about our coach is her skill – the finesse she has. Had she stuck to a script with us – she would have lost us or been less than effective. Instead she learned about us, our skills and shaped the process and flow to meet our already abundant skill set.
This program helped us immeasurably. I would recommend it as a requirement to any family with a child coming home. Easing the stress and effort needed for both me and my daughter – I feel so much more confident than I already did. God bless your good work.
Thank you to our coach and to your organization…honored to have been led to your door.
Peace and gratitude,
Nicholas Freedman, CA
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Homeward Bound is an exceptional part of our son's journey as well as that of our family's. It complemented our son's therapeutic camp to perfection. The privilege of having an expert observe our interactions and comment on the spot was exactly what we needed: direct, honest, constructive feedback, a better understanding of our challenges, and a plan. Strictly speaking, the return on investment was immediate, concrete and visible. Our level of awareness collectively grew and that in itself enabled the four of us to modify many behavior patterns.
For sure, it is not magic. We still have challenges to face, our son in particular.... But we are now better equipped to face life as parents and teenagers. More importantly when needed...we know who to call. For all these reasons, and many others, Homeward Bound helped us develop perspective. And that gave us hope. Hope for our son. In addition, because of the changes we have all made, the love and humor is back in our family again - best remedy in the world!
In short, Homeward Bound was the best thing we did for our family. Do not hesitate. It is the right thing to do.
Natalie Guilbeault
Taipei, Taiwan
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Dear Parents,
When our children were babies, none of us thought that we would ever consider placing them in the hands of strangers - in a residential treatment center, therapeutic boarding school or wilderness program. We thought that if we read enough books, took enough parenting classes, that it would be enough.
When we sent our son to residential treatment center, we hoped that would be enough, but our educational consultant highly recommended going the extra mile and using Homeward Bound to increase the chances of a successful transition home and "make it last."
We had great visits with our son while he was in treatment - probably the best of our lives and wanted to think that this relationship would automatically continue when he came home. However, treatment is a "bubble" and not the real world. There are no guarantees that the apparent progress in treatment will last in the return home. It is also difficult to know if the progress is completely real or is partly what kids need to do to come home.
Our oldest son's homecoming from a therapeutic boarding school did not have the benefit of a program like Homeward Bound. Even though we thought that he was doing better, it didn't take long before old patterns emerged and he moved out after six weeks. He has been struggling ever since. Having once seen that maintaining the progress made in boarding school can be difficult at home, we were open to a program that would increase the chances of a successful transition home for our second son.
We felt comfortable with our transition coach after the first phone conversation before his visit, but it still seemed somewhat like a blind date. We also wondered if we would feel like we were "under a microscope" as a family during his visit. We already felt analyzed after years of counseling which still ended up with placing our son in an RTC.
The 3 days with our coach went quickly. We wish he could have stayed longer. We covered a lot of ground in those days. We were really impressed with the program developed by Homeward Bound. We have also been impressed by the quality of the parent library on the web site. The home rules we developed that weekend were helpful in maintaining healthy boundaries. After experiencing the in-home portion of the program, we wondered if having Homeward Bound come in before placement would have reduced the chance that either son would need residential treatment.
After our son came home, he still did things that reminded us of life prior to treatment, which triggered memories and concerns about regressing back to that life. Without our coach to consult with and coach us, it would have been easy to panic and spiral back to feelings of hopelessness and despair. It was also helpful to have his insight as to what was "normal" for a teen returning from treatment and what we should be concerned about.
We looked forward to our weekly conference call with our coach. The fact that we had conference calls rather than meeting in person did not seem to make a difference regarding his insights into the struggles we faced and his helpful advice. It also did not stop him from showing us how our reactions could be making matters worse. The fact that he had been to our home and could visualize where we lived, was helpful when we explained situations.
Just when there were weeks when things were going great and we wondered if we really needed our coach's daily availability, a crisis would occur and we were glad that he was available as needed for insight and to give us hope. He also established a good rapport with our son and helped him to see that he could recover from mistakes and not spiral into depression. He respected him and seemed like he wanted to not disappoint him and live up to his expectations.
He has been able to be the objective observer to give both of us advice when we did not agree on the consequence or see a situation the same.
There are no guarantees in life, but we do believe that Homeward Bound was worth the cost of helping us to transition back to living as a family. We pray that you and your child will have a successful transition.
Sincerely,
Suzanne and Kevin
Pennsylvania
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To Whom It May Concern,
We are writing this letter to recommend that you take advantage of the services of Homeward Bound (HB). Our experience with HB has been extremely positive.
Our 16-year old son completed a 14-month residential treatment program that included a transition plan involving Homeward Bound. He was in treatment mainly for flunking school, vandalizing, stealing, bullying, lying, not taking responsibility for his actions, and being oppositional. His residential treatment program was successful in addressing these issues while in a controlled environment.
However, HB helped both us as parents and our son deal with the realities of life after treatment. I fully admit to being skeptical that HB would provide any benefit. My skepticism quickly dissolved after meeting with our coach. Her professionalism and vast counseling experience was apparent as she helped us to improve our parenting style to meet our son's challenges and to prepare for the typical post-treatment phases (honeymoon, testing, stability). In our case, she was uncannily correct in predicting the timeline of those phases. So when our son entered his "testing phase" and subsequently was caught shoplifting from Walmart, we were prepared. That preparedness helped our family successfully navigate through the incident in a positive way.
Our HB coach was able to connect with our son such that he trusted her to be a support. She was understanding, knowledgeable, sympathetic, and yet unyielding (not wimpy) in helping him to make decisions to improve his life. She also was helpful to us as a support in verifying the correctness of our thoughts/decisions/actions or providing sound rationale as to why changing our ways would create better results and a happier home life.
We are now about four months post treatment. Our son is doing well in school, is making better decisions, and is feeling happier. We too are happier in our relationship with our son. We don't expect a mistake-free future, but with our coach's counseling we anticipate fewer challenges and more productive ways of dealing with inevitable setbacks. We highly recommend both Homeward Bound and their coaches to you.
Best wishes,
Phillip & Heather Goold
Utah
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We are very grateful to Homeward Bound for the help they gave us in the transition home with our son. There were many sensitive issues, many unknown issues, and many issues that we did not really embrace previously. The guidance and occasional "nudge" that Homeward Bound provided was timely and meaningful. The focus was on the whole family, not just our son. That was something that we have really come to appreciate as things played out.
The home team gathering was so profound that it propelled the process in to a very healthy direction. That type of unified community is sorely missing today, and we really saw the value. Also, the online materials and just the timeline of the reentry process was something that gave me an honest and realistic context for how things would go. I could breathe a little easier after I read those things.
Ultimately, the changes my wife and I have made at this junction were at least as important as the changes my son has made, in terms of family harmony and avoiding the eruptions of the past. We are certainly a work in progress as a family, but we have a sense that our prayers have been answered. We are very grateful to Homeward Bound and we recommend them highly.
Jay and Kim McCarl, MD
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Dear Parents,
When I first considered using a transition team such as Homeward Bound to help with bringing my son home from a therapeutic boarding school, I had many questions and concerns…
My biggest concern had to deal with whether this person could come into our world and really "get" us. How would he relate to my son? How could he help me be a better parent? In essence, would it really work?
I have to say that my fears were quickly dispelled. I knew from past family experience that aftercare was critical, but I didn't feel the previous aftercare program was very effective. The difference here was that our Homeward Bound transition coach was able to form a bond with my son, my other children and me and therefore was able to support us while he was here and once he left.
We worked through all the critical issues of bringing my son home…school, boundaries, consequences, allowance, smoking, cell phone, computer, curfew and more. We put the plan in writing so that there was no wiggle-room. And, when things got a little off balance, our coach was simply a phone call away, whether it was at our pre-arranged weekly session or in between.
He was able to empower me to hold firm to these boundaries in a calmer, less reactive manner. I believe that having that ability has been one of the greatest gifts of this experience. I rely on this often.
I believe that we couldn't have had the success that we have had without Homeward Bound. I continue to be in touch with them as is necessary and will always consider them an excellent resource when the road gets bumpy.
Francine Coles
Arizona
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Dear parent,
If you are bringing your teen home from an out-of-home program, then you are probably right where we once were – excited but really nervous, hoping that things wouldn't go right back to where they once were. We know we would need help, but we didn't know where to find it. Thankfully, our son's wilderness therapist recommended that we talk with Homeward Bound. So we did.
At first we were skeptical as to whether an organization so far away from us could really be all that helpful. But we knew we had a lot of changes to make in how we parented both of our sons, and we liked the fact that Homeward Bound would be working with all of us, including coming to both of our homes – since we were now divorced.
The visit our coach made to our home was great. He helped put us all at ease right away and helped us get the most out of our time together. He was friendly and down-to-earth. He quickly built a rapport with our son, taking him to lunch and even staying late one night to play a video game with him.
Having him come shortly after our son's return home was critical because unfortunately, for us, the honeymoon phase was short-lived! Within a few days, he was being defiant, telling us he needed to chew tobacco to fit in, and pushing boundaries left and right. Thankfully, our coach had prepared us for that so we were not quite as taken aback, although it was still hard to see and part of me wanted to send him right back. But instead, we moved forward, established rules and consequences, stayed unified as parents, and avoiding falling back into our old habits – well, mostly. But when we did slip, we caught ourselves and made things right.
The Home Team get-together was really great. Our son opened up to everyone about his experiences and our family and friends returned their support and love. When I first read about this concept, I was a little skeptical, but the outcome was fantastic. Our son was very excited at the end of the session and his enthusiasm stayed with him for quite a while.
Our weekly phone calls with our coach also helped us keep things in perspective. He was well organized and remembered everything – he was amazing! He was always encouraging and helped us in very practical, specific ways that changed our communication with our son.
Some of the challenges would have definitely resulted in big blow-ups in the past. But with our coach's help, we learned to handle them differently. And what normally could have derailed us, ended up feeling like a minor speed bump.
Our son is now doing well in his new school, staying off drugs, and being much more respectful. We still have a lot of parenting to do, especially with our older son, but we have a much better sense for where we are headed and how to get there.
To us the money we spent on Homeward Bound was insurance money. It was a great decision and well worth it!
Kurt Shadle
Pennsylvania
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My step kid's mom died of cancer a few month's after I married their dad. In retrospect, I desperately wish that we had waited to get married so that the there would be separation between our marriage and this enormous loss. As it is though, the events have been so tied that I am the woman who arrived just as their mom left...and that hasn't really lent itself to a solid relationship.
I adopted my step kids about a year and a half after their mom died. They asked me to, but in retrospect (again) I so wish that we had waited on that too. I feel like I have been a constant disappointment - always the "wrong" mom.
So when Homeward Bound came in to our lives, I had such great hopes of finally addressing the issues in our family dynamics that so often left my adopted kids feeling left out and me feeling blamed. It didn't. The patterns that our coach helped us to identify are so ingrained that even though we could finally "see" our own destructive ways, we don't have the strength...or maybe it's will... to break free and begin anew.
My hopes for Homeward Bound was that they could "fix" my son so that he stopped despising me, stopped using, stopped lying - started participating in a family dynamic, start being accountable to his relationships. It didn't happen. But something else did, and for that I am extremely grateful.
Homeward Bound has saved our marriage. My husband and I can no longer escape and blame others for what is ultimately our own responsibility for ourselves. Our coach forced us to identify our values and behaviors. Before he came into our home, it was very easy to blame circumstances or others for our situation, but with knowledge, we can not longer do that. I can't blame my husband or my son without also looking at myself. And it is amazing how that changes where the fingers are pointed. With knowledge, too, my husband and I discovered a commitment to each other that had always felt quite shaky and often dependent upon how things were going with our son.
I had unreasonable and unfair expectations about how Homeward Bound would change our family. Our coach put a mirror to my face and opened the door for me to change myself. In the process, I didn't get what I wanted with my son. He is still far away. He is still angry. I am still the "wrong" mom (although, likely he wouldn't even use the word 'mom' to describe me.) I did, however, begin down a road personally that has brought me to a much better point as a woman and a wife. Hopefully some day, this growth will help open the doors to a relationship with my son. Without our coach and Homeward Bound I am quite certain I would have never even entertained this possibility. I am very grateful.
Heidi Matthews
Park City, Utah
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This letter is written in support of Homeward Bound and all of the parents who are in the recovery process with their son or daughter. For our family, one of the most frightening events to consider in the recovery process was the actual return home of our daughter. We had taken great comfort in knowing for the past few months, she was in the hands of talented professionals who knew much more about substance abuse and recovery than we did. This was true of the youth transport program who escorted her, the terrific wilderness program she was sent to, and the fantastic recovery program in Utah. To even fathom having her back in the home with us was terrifying to imagine. We had been through so much with her, and were very much rookies in this painful, but critical, recovery process. Additionally, we had made such large financial commitments and sacrifices for her recovery that it was difficult to justify making yet another. Enter Homeward Bound.
Homeward Bound was recommended to us by an industry professional — who noted all of our commitments and sacrifices for a healthy future for our daughter may deteriorate in a matter of minutes, hours, days, or months once she returned to our home. No sales pressure was applied, just wisdom and concern offered from someone who knew exactly what we were dealing with. The other important point was our own emotional health and future. We needed support, regardless of whether or not our daughter would make a full recovery. We did not have the knowledge or resources to deal with the scope of the substance abuse issue and dual diagnosis of depression we were presented with. Homeward Bound offered a promise of continuing support and resources, and a dedicated professional to extend recovery to our entire family. It was this promise of — and very real need for — ongoing support that finally sealed the deal for us.
Prior to speaking with Homeward Bound, we wondered:
- Will they really be able to help from a distance?
- Can they help my spouse/ex-spouse and I work together as parents?
- Is it really necessary to have aftercare support? Our daughter seems to be doing so well.
- It seems awkward to have people (the Home Team) come to our home and hear about our daughter's journey. Is it worth it to do that?
- Will it be awkward to have someone come to my home? Will it be worth the time and cost to do that?
Our concerns melted away when we spoke with Tim Thayne of Homeward Bound. He didn't know if we were going to be one of his families, yet he offered real guidance, comfort, and wisdom to ease our angst. After completing the due diligence to move forward, we found some of the most responsive, caring individuals we had ever met. With the guidance of Homeward Bound, we gathered our Home Team to help us when our daughter came home. As we worked towards this family event, our therapist worked directly with our daughter to prepare her for her return home, which she was every bit as nervous about as we were. Expectations were set, a family contract was negotiated, and our daughter was delivered home safely to hugs and tears with kind, caring hands.
The Home Team event was joyous and productive. Family members and friends offered love, support, and accountability. A separate meeting was held with our daughter's friends who are now part of the Home Team and working closely with our family. We participated in parent and family sessions that invited unity, even with my ex-husband. My teen son also participated, and we began to coalesce together in peace as a family — instead of being splintered apart as we had in the past. We now participate in weekly family calls with our terrific HB coach, as does my daughter who has very much bonded with him. Everyone feels loved and supported, and we now have someone to walk this recovery journey with us as we work through its inevitable challenges.
In short, we have been able to replicate and continue the recovery process in our home. We have healed as a family, and are now watching in joy as our daughter blossoms towards her full recovery. She is now in college, volunteering, attending meetings, seeing her therapist weekly, and following through on family responsibilities. It is nothing short of a miracle. I thank Homeward Bound for helping us to save her life and our sanity. I encourage other parents to consider them too.
In gratitude and sincerity,
Connie Montaña
Pennsylvania
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Dear Parents,
Our RTC dealt with the deep issues that our daughter had, and the dynamics of the family. But after coming home, we all had some adjusting to do, and Homeward Bound has been extremely valuable in helping us accomplish that. Our family therapy had never really addressed her tendency to 'terrorize' me - pushing me into a corner demanding me to take some action to satisfy her - and we needed help in shifting the emotional power in the house away from her and back onto us as parents. HB taught me very specific skills in how to address her, how to confront her and how to prevent such shifts. On more than one occasion, our coach scripted my conversations with my daughter so that we weren't all falling back into the unhealthy behaviors of the past. And when she stumbled, she was there to give us support and strength, while also providing our daughter with an outlet to talk about her issues.
It's been 6 months since our daughter returned home, and although we don't need our coach as much as we did before, it still gives me great comfort knowing that if we can't handle situations, we can call on Homeward Bound for backup.
Kevin & Tamara Sullivan
California
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Homeward Bound has empowered my family and me to continue forward in a positive direction with this long and challenging journey of parenting. Not just the parenting of a child who has had challenges, but any child.
The most difficult thing my husband and I ever had to do was to send our son away. The feeling of sadness is still in the forefront in our minds. As we healed and got ready to bring him home, new emotions surfaced. New questions arose like, how do we keep this wonderful momentum going? How do we keep the changes we made at home going forward? We had many fears and concerns. When we heard about HB I thought why not give them a call. After my conversation with Tim, I felt better than I had in a long time. HB provided my husband and me with the confidence to bring our son home knowing, that we had support in place for the whole family.
The first and most powerful tool was our home visit. With the help of HB we became more comfortable in being more open with others by speaking to the school, his therapist, friends and family. No one likes ghosts in their closets. My son stood in front of a room full of people and told his story, answering questions about his experience away. The room was filled with much love, tons of laughter and many tears. I believe this was a great beginning. We were given tools, suggestions and ways of doing things better.
With direct access to our coach, I always had someone to talk to in the moment. This is huge. No matter how small the issue, the phone calls put things into perspective, helped me calm down and go forward following the plan. I'm not going to lie, it is hard when something triggers you and you want to revert back to the old ways that did not work. Having direct access gives you a place to go to take a deep breath. It is great to talk with someone that you respect, that is not emotionally charged and that has the knowledge and empathy needed to help you make it right.
It is a lot of work and continues to be challenging. However, let me tell you how rewarding it is when you meet a challenge with success. I use to feel lonely because no one knew what to say to me or how to help us. Now I am not so lonely and there is greater harmony in our home. HB is having a cheat sheet to parenting in your back pocket.
Lisa Lee
New Jersey
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Dear Parents:
I wish that when I was considering wrap-around services for my 16-year-old daughter last August, I wish I had the opportunity to talk to other parents who had gone through similar things…parents who had gone through similar things and survived.
So I'm writing this open letter to you, in hopes that my experience might help one or two other families find their way through this maze.
I sent my daughter to a wilderness program in Utah for 50 days last summer. She was scheduled to be released in mid August, and by early August I still had no follow-up plan. The program was recommending a therapeutic boarding school. I was leaning more toward a day school so she could live at home but have the support of a more structured social and academic environment. My ex-husband, reminding me of the stipulations of the divorce agreement, refused to talk about anything other than her returning to the public school she had attended for the past two years.
From the very first conversation with our coach, I felt better. He understood what I was saying; I felt like my experience made sense. He understood what it was like for a kid coming out of a wilderness program; I felt like he could help me help my daughter.
He taught me without patronizing me. He picked up very quickly what I understood and started there. He taught me that Liza still has a family – even though the marriage is over, she still has two parents and depends on us for guidance and structure. He taught me how and why the family is the most important factor in helping a teen negotiate the transition home. He taught me that there is hope. And support. And a way to do this.
So we set up a time and he went to work right away talking to the HB coach and all the people who were the main players in her treatment and who would be her primary supports once she returned home. And then he came to Boston the day after she returned, to begin to work with our family.
We are not easy. My ex-husband and I have had an intensely emotional, difficult divorce, and at that point were literally unable to even talk with each other. But we agreed to spend two whole days with our coach working out how we were going to help her make this transition. My friends thought I had lost my mind.
But our coach came and we met and I don't know how he did it, but he taught us how to talk. He picked up on what was important, what was standing in our way, what we each needed in order to listen to each other. He treated each of us with respect and modeled how to handle difficulty and conflict with an eye toward solutions. He taught us to meld our agendas, to move beyond our own narrow interests and focus on what was best for our daughter.
And he supported us in weekly conversations for the next 11 weeks. We were difficult to schedule. Difficult to talk to. We had difficulty agreeing on how to handle things. But he always quietly brought the focus back to what was best for our daughter. How we could best support her. He reminded us of the agreements we had made, the rules we had developed. And week by week we built up a process for handling bumps in the road, communicating with each other, and talking.
The process has been really sort of miraculous. Not that the problems have disappeared. But we have a clear set of expectations – rules and consequences – and a contract for our daugher's academic performance. Every time something has come up in the months since she came home, it turns out that the situation was already covered in the expectations we drafted back in August. Homeward Bound has anticipated virtually every issue we have encountered.
Just last night I was looking through our Rules and Consequences document, concerned about the issue of disrespect, and found that Chuck, our daughter and I had already discussed and agreed upon the specifics of the very issue at hand.
The documents we developed with our coach during the weekly coaching sessions, and the Family Bridge library have let us carry forward the momentum we created that first weekend in August. We have learned how to communicate, how to steer clear of threats and punishments and create respectful conversations in which we develop solutions together. We have learned how to articulate our values.
I wish I could say that the road is clear and that the challenges of the past year are behind us; I know that they are not. But I know that other families have gone through similar situations, that compassion and boundaries can turn situations around, and that I have the support I need to stay on this path.
For this I have Homeward Bound to thank.
Linda Pollock
Massachusetts
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When our daughter returned home from a therapeutic camp we were very nervous. We were concerned that there would be a return to the old behavioral patterns in a very short time. We decided to have Homeward Bound help us with the transition. It was one of the best decisions we have made. We had some reservations about having a Homeward Bound representative visit our home, but he put us all at ease immediately. In fact, our daughter initially resisted participating, but our coach handled it so well that she was soon sitting on the couch and engaged in the discussion. When he left after that first night, our daughter even acknowledged that she liked him.
It was important for us and our daughter to meet him face to face so that our future telephone calls with him seemed more personal. It also helped immensely for him to see us in our home environment so that he could understand our lives and tailor his recommendations to us and our personalities.
We were impressed with the incredibly positive view our coach took with every situation. The advice and positive feedback he provided was exactly what we needed to hear. His ability to see what was needed in a short time was amazing. And the principles we learned are excellent in all situations. The solution talk approach can even be utilized in a work setting (or anywhere else) during difficult discussions.
Interestingly, our daughter did pull away from our coach half way through the process. When we hired Homeward Bound, that was one of our concerns – would our daughter stay engaged? But when she pulled away, none of us were too worried about it. Why? Because we realized that it was our relationship with her that was making the difference. And with his support, we felt increasingly empowered to parent better and better.
And things did improve! Our daughter is now taking more responsibility for her choices. Power struggles are rare. And when she does slip up, she recovers much faster from those negative moments and even apologizes for her actions. She is attending school, doing her work, playing volleyball and in general moving forward.
We now are convinced that if we had utilized Homeward Bound's services when the problems started to get really bad in our home, we probably wouldn't have had to send our daughter to a wilderness program in the first place.
Sincerely,
Stan & Carol Tieman
Alabama
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Dear Parents,
A few months ago, we were in your shoes. Our son was a residential treatment program client for 2 years. The thought of bringing him home was filled with a range of emotions- excited, nervous, happy, petrified- to name a few. We were thrilled to finally have our family together again but afraid of how it would turn out. We felt confident that the staff had done everything possible to prepare our son and us but we worried about success once he returned home given the new challenges he would face.
Toward the end of his stay at the program, we were introduced to the transition company Homeward Bound. We knew that we would need help and support once we got home and were relieved that this program was offered. The first step was a meeting with our transition coach, before we headed home. We were told that the meeting would be about 4 hours long and to be truthful, we wondered what more they could tell us that we hadn't already heard. Well, we're happy to tell you that it was an incredibly worthwhile 4 hours and I'm glad we chose the option to have that meeting.
Our transition coach, was phenomenal. She took the time to get to know our family and understand the uniqueness of our situation. Although there are some common issues that families face, she recognized that there wasn't one magical blueprint that works for everyone. She gave us encouragement, confidence and peace of mind that we're not doing this alone. Meeting with her in person allowed us to really connect with her so that our weekly phone conversations seemed personal although we were never face to face.
She helped us understand what the transition would be like. She prepared us so that when we do hit bumps in the road, we are able to address them in a way that is productive and not destructive. She is reassuring and validating yet able to give us clear direction and guidance in how to handle particular situations. The parenting principles are the foundation for a successful transition and given the support and guidance of the transition counselor, we are better able to consistently apply them in real life situations.
It has been 3 ½ months since our son came home. We've had our share of ups and downs and expect that will continue for a while. We can't imagine what the transition would have looked like had we not used the services of Homeward Bound.
We hope that your family finds success.
Sincerely,
Ellen and Dave Dufresne
Illinois
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To whom it may concern:
When my wife and I were introduced to the concept of Homeward Bound, we didn't fully understand why we would need their services. We assumed that our son's wilderness experience would be enough to change our family and our son for the better. We thought that our situation was unique and that it would be impossible for anybody to truly assist us from a long distance over the phone. Reluctantly, we hired Homeward Bound not truly appreciating to what extent that we could use their expertise or parental portal.
Once we committed to Homeward Bound, it was apparent that our family and situation was very important to our Homeward Bound transition coach. He was persistent and very flexible regarding our initial phone interviews. He was organized in his approach and was quickly getting to know our family and situation better. Even after several initial interviews, however, my wife and I truly didn't appreciate the program. It was during the home visit we realized the power of the Homeward Bound experience. We discovered that the experience would be as much about my wife and I as it would be about our son.
Our coach spent as much time alone with my wife and me as he did with our son during the home visit. He helped us realize what drove our reactions to our son's behavior. He helped us understand our relationship with our son and how our personalities affected our son's relationship with us. He also considered the dynamics with all four of our children and worked with us to understand how my wife and I could improve the relationships with all of our children. He built relationships with all six of us in a very natural way. By the end of his visit we felt that had known him for years.
After the visit and for the next couple of months, we spoke with our coach on a regular basis, typically for at least an hour. He spoke with our son on a weekly and sometimes daily basis. He built a trusting relationship with our son and was able to give us his perspective on issues that we were facing. He helped us understand our son and his view on life. I am embarrassed to admit how much I didn't appreciate or understand. He taught us how to love our son and not let negativity overwhelm our relationship.
Ironically, if my wife and I were working with Homeward Bound years earlier my son's wilderness experience may not have been necessary. Our coach has served as a friend, mentor and counselor to my son over these past months. He has helped bridge the communication and generation gap between us and our children. Personally, not only did this experience help me be a better parent, but also a better person in general. We believe in the Homeward Bound support so much that we have enrolled in their Legacy Parent Program. If I may be of assistance in any way please feel free to contact me.
Sincerely,
Brad and Barb Caron,
Massachusetts
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Parents,
Our son had been in four different residential treatment centers over the last five years and was to graduate from High School in June of 2010 and come home. While he had made significant improvement in behavior management and repaired family relationships, his placement environments had been very structured compared to the typical unstructured/easy going life style of our family. Thus we were very concerned with him adjusting to living at home and entering a four year university in late August.
He had in the last year of his residential treatment made numerous efforts to participate in a less structured program to help lessen the transition shock of coming home. Unfortunately, he was not able to make the necessary adjustments to be successful and had to go back to the highly structured environment. Consequently, we went looking for a transition assistance program and were recommended to Homeward Bound.
Homeward Bound was able to assist the entire family during the initial transition back to family living and prepare our son for entering college. The keys to our successful experience so far has been the willingness of all four members of the family to make the transition a success and Homeward Bound's valuable assistance in preparing the Expectation Contract on behavior boundaries and resulting consequences if the boundaries are not met. The weekly Coaching sessions with all four members of the family went a long way to ensuring that we all stayed focused on the objective of his successful transition back into the home.
I think we all very much appreciated the alternative perceptions and suggestions offered by the Transition Coach that enabled us to see the large picture and remain on track.
John Curtis
Nevada
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